Failure

So, after a week of not having the energy to even admit it, I finally posted to my photography blog today that I'm a big failure. I made it 208 days into my 365 project, then dropped the ball. I just plain forgot to take a picture last Sunday. I was beyond tired. I was hurting. A lot. (My shoulder and neck pain has been awful this week). I barely crawled through the day then went to bed as soon as I could.

I've spent a few days wallowing in my failure, wondering why it's so dang hard for me to even do the things I enjoy during this phase of pregnancy. I know it's normal to be extra tired, but I'm exhausted to the point of not functioning, and this time around is still better than last time! If I can't even manage to continue a photography project that I've deeply enjoyed over the past seven months, how can I do anything???

I put a little thought into it and I really think my ADD has a lot to do with it. It takes me longer to work out my photography shot every day because it just takes me longer to think. Coming up with a shot, setting it up (or getting to a good location), getting my camera settings how I want them, and then processing and uploading the pictures takes twice as much energy for me as it would for most people. And that's extra energy I simply don't have right now. Any energy I produce is being sucked up by a rapidly growing MicroTot, and I'm ok with that. The little potamus-to-be needs it more than I need to take pictures. And hopefully I can get back to taking pictures again before long, I just have to remember that it's not as important as taking care of myself and my family. And anything extra I have right now needs to be used in that direction.

The Blahs

What do you mean it's been a week? Oh, I see. Well, cut me some slack, I'm feeling like slug slime these days.

Based on history and Greg's memory, I have about 3 or 4 more weeks until the 2nd trimester energy surge kicks in. Based on my current situation, that's not soon enough. Most days by noon I'm too tired to move. After naps I'm still exhausted. By Kaycie's bedtime I just want to collapse. Last night I did. I crashed for 2 hours, woke up for about an hour and a half, went back to bed, and slept like the dead. Woke up exhausted. Now here we go again.

Did I mention I have over 1,000 blog posts in my bloglines that I haven't gotten around to dealing with yet? Today's the first time I've turned on my computer since the weekend.

Thankfully we're planning to go to my parents' house this weekend, which means my mom will swoop in and take over my child while I lay on the couch and die. Sounds heavenly.

Yesterday I saw Dr. T for a tot check. Everything was fine. I was too tired to even call my mom and tell her we went, but it was one of those check ups that I really felt like we could have had over the phone. They didn't take any blood, didn't do any tests, just looked at me, asked me how I felt, called in some Claritin D, and sent me off. I'm not sure dragging myself and my kid to the office was worth it.

Our next visit in 3 weeks, however, is worth it. We've even made childcare arrangements already, because we know we'll be there at least an hour if not more for the high risk anatomy scan. That's when we should find out if everything is ok with our little MicroTot, and if we're hitting pink or blue. Kaycie has always been a little freaked out by the sonogram room anyway, so we decided not to take her this time. My mom doesn't know it yet, but I'm about to see if she wants to make a weekend of it and keep Kaycie from Friday until that Tuesday afternoon after our appointment.

I also had a dentist appointment yesterday during which I had to tell Dr. B that I hadn't had my tooth extracted in June like I was supposed to (although Greg had already told him). Our plan had been to have it taken out before I got preggers to prevent any potential problems it might cause during pregnancy. Whoopsie. Meanwhile, he found a cavity in tooth we'd been watching for a while. The conversation went like this:

Dr. B: It started out as a stain, but now I can poke my instrument in it. We'll take care of that after the baby is here.

Me: If you'd quit poking that instrument in my teeth I'd quit having cavities! Why do you keep poking holes in my teeth? Guess you need the money for the twin's college fund???

Dr. B: (laughing) I didn't cause it! It got soft!

Me: ... And you poked your instrument in there and made a hole! You're the reason I have cavities.

Thankfully Dr. Boswell has a great sense of humor. And knows better than to really argue with a pregnant lady.

I have a recipe I need to post. Maybe later today. Or tomorrow. Or whenever I'm awake and not trying to read a book about purple things to my kid at the same time.

Mash Up - Post Ebola

Playing catch up here again. Had a bad weekend. A really bad, yucky weekend. I felt yucky Friday, took a decongestant at 6PM (STUPID) and didn't sleep at all that night. Saturday morning was awful, but Greg sent me back to bed to get some sleep and I woke up feeling well enough to go ahead and go to Morton to have Greg's birthday dinner with his family at Lee's in Sebastapool. I felt ok when we left home and pretty bad by the time we arrived in Morton. I made it through dinner and felt a bit better. Eating has been tricky. MicroTot wants food every couple of hours but you know how yucky food is when you have the sinus ickies, but it does usually make things better. After we got home Saturday night I took some Tylenol and went to bed to watch some TV. I started feeling worse (naturally!) and hot. Yep. Running a slight fever. But I had just taken a Tylenol so it shouldn't last, right? Took it again, it was going up. Took it again... and again... and again... An hour after taking the meds my temp was nearly 101, the point at which I should probably call the OB nurse on call. Thankfully it didn't quite get there and once the Tylenol kicked in it dropped pretty fast and I was able to sleep. I've been gradually getting better since, but you know how these things linger.

Enough pitifulness.

Saturday was also my Godson, Edwin's, birthday. He's 9. I'm old. And I miss my little big guy.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my dear sweet husband's birthday! WOOO! He's off the rest of the week, because you really shouldn't have to work on your birthday, and I'm really excited. I like it when he's home.

And speaking of my dear sweet husband, I absolutely love how much Kaycie adores him. When I went to get her out of the bed this morning her first word was, "Daddy?" No, baby girl, he's at work. "Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?" Um... No. He's at work... We did this all morning. At one point I put her in the van and as soon as we pulled out she started yelling "Daddy!" She was so disappointed when we turned into Walmart. She loves her Daddy. She'll be happy to have him home the rest of the week.

I'm glad Kaycie enjoys watching Sesame Street, but I'm telling you now, if you haven't seen the Elmo's World segments with Mr. Noodle and his brother Mr. Noodle, you can't possibly understand how annoying it is. And today they had his sister, Miss Noodle. I really wanted to beat my head against the wall. I'd rather watch Super Grover every single episode than ever see the Noodle family again. However...

I'm sorely tempted to go to Walmart and buy 6 more pair of pink Elmo pajamas. The only time I don't have to go 4 rounds of wrestling with my child to get her dressed for bed in the nights I put her in Elmo pajamas. She will bring them to me and help me get them on her. Earlier this week we put her to bed and she basically screamed for an hour, requiring 3 different interventions. The next night I put her in Elmos pajamas and the only peeps I heard from her were her talking to Elmo. Have at it, baby girl.

She's sitting in the floor singing the Elmo song now and saying, "Bye Elmo!" to the TV. I love that girl.

And finally, something I was discussing with Allison on FB about last night - I think I want a Kindle. Which is crazy because I don't buy books, but I really do like the convience of being able to read books electronically when I want to. I can either save up to buy one or wait and ask for one for Christmas. I get $20 a week "stuff" money to spend on whatever I want. So maybe in a couple of months. Unless I can find some stuff to sell!

Quotes

Me: I may be the most pitiful thing you've ever seen if I don't feel better tomorrow.

Greg: you've been the most pitiful thing I've ever seen for the past two weeks.

For the record, he declared it OK because I'm pregnant and now I'm sick too. And because it's still not as bad as last time.

In totally unrelated news, Kaycie stole a big rock from the parking lot of the restaurant we ate at tonight. She insisted on taking it with her and played with it pretty much all the way home, including taking off her own shoe and putting it on the rock. On the bright side, she didn't throw it through the van window like I thought she would.

Paci-pocalypse

For the past year Kaycie has been down to one paci. We've limited paci use to the crib since she was about 4 months old, so it wasn't a big deal and never really got lost. But this morning I discovered she'd chewed it to the point where the tip was ripping away from the base. Can you say choking hazard? So I went ahead and tore it off, showed her it was broken, and prayed we'd make it through the next few days.

She looked at the broken paci, tried to put it back together, then put the hard part back in her crib and handed me the tip. ??? I dunno, but I hoped it was a good sign.

Then came nap time. The top part was still in the crib when I put her down, so she picked it up, examined it again and then instigated this conversation:

K - "Paci?"
Me - "It's broken, baby, remember we talked about that this morning?"
K - (confused face) " Paci?"
Me - No, baby, it's broken. I'm sorry.
K - (shaking head) "Paci?"
Me - Sigh. "No, baby, your paci doesn't work anymore. I'm sorry. You're going to have to nap without it.
K - "Paci?"

Ok, so I was a little wrong about the "gonna have to nap without it" part. She didn't nap. She's not napping as we speak. After an hour of alternately whining and getting mad, then crying, I went in and rocked her for a bit and put her back in the crib. She was content for about 5 minutes. Half an hour later I'm about to go get her, sans actual nap, and pray the next hour and a half goes by quickly because my life will be hell until Greg gets home and can take up some of the sleepy-tired girl slack.

Why am I wanting to do this now? Because it's time. It has to go before MicroTot arrives or else we'll have paci-sharing/jealousy issues (may have those anyway). Actually, it needs to go before we move her into her new room and big girl bed, which will probably happen in October, because we won't be able to keep up with it if it's not within the boundaries of a crib. Actually, it needs to go before she starts Moms Day Out in September, because I'm not sending it with her to be lost at the church.

Kids don't actually go to college with a paci, right?

Anyway, she has a lot of changes coming up in the next few months and this is the the first. At some point I want to seriously start the potty training, but to be honest I'm waiting on my second trimester of energy to come back before I jump in. I don't have the energy or brain cells to get her to the potty every twenty minutes right now. And I can't night train her until she's out of the crib anyway. Getting out of the crib will require cleaning out the guest/storage room so we can move her in there. That all has to be done well before MicroTot arrives, so she doesn't think the baby is stealing her bed.

Can somebody else come and deal with all of this over the next few months, please?

Godspeed

Today four human beings, three men and one woman, left the confines of this Earth and traveled into space aboard the Atlantis Space Shuttle, STS-135, the final flight of the shuttle program.

If you've been around the Farm long, you know I'm fascinated by the space program. Do you know what STS stands for? Space Transportation System. The 135 is the mission number. It's the 135th, and final, mission into space for the shuttle program.

And with that I start tearing up again.

I'm afraid that my generation is the last to appreciate the space program. As I wrote in a FB comment earlier today, I fear NASA failed to capture the imagination of the younger generations of dreamers for whom the shuttle program going to the space station is routine, something that's always been done (during their lifetime). They think Transformers 3 had better CG than a shuttle launch (I'd argue THAT to my grave!). When the program began it was more amazing than anything you could see in the movies, but it didn't keep up. What's so special about sending a shuttle to the space station? They do it all the time.

We do it all the time. There is awe in that. The idea that sending people beyond the confines of this planet, beyond our gravity, into outer space is incredible. It's not CG because it's real.

You know what I think spelled the beginning of the end for our space program? International cooperation. Sadly, when space flight and reaching new horizons quit being a competition, America lost interest. If we're not beating somebody in a race, we just get bored with it. We need an enemy, somebody to defeat, a chance to get the best of another nation. Instead we let the world get smaller, we started building a space station together. We shared flights with astronauts from other countries, combining resources to make the most of the opportunity to do something great. And Americans moved to more exciting things.

Well, many Americans anyway. I think those of us who recognize the name Christa McAuliffe, those of us who understood the significance of seeing her walk up to that shuttle wearing a jumpsuit and then sat in shocked silence when she died, we still appreciate the feat that was accomplished today. Those of us who sat in front of the TV and watched the beautiful blue sky waiting for a glimpse of the Space Shuttle Columbia on the horizon, slowly realizing that it wasn't coming home, understand the significance of sending people into space and bringing them home safely. But for too many people that's the only part of space travel that's interesting. If it doesn't blow up, it's not so impressive. Sadly, that's what we've become.

Too many people don't appreciate the awe of LAUNCHING HUMANS INTO SPACE. Nor do most people realize the incredible discoveries NASA has made with unmanned rockets and satellites throughout the galaxy. But NASA got behind. They didn't upgrade, update the technology. They focused on completing the space station and lost track of other possibilities for manned space travel. For 30 years it became routine. Thirty years ago people expected us to have space ships that can leave our galaxy by now, yet we haven't even been back to the moon.

Why haven't we been back to the moon? Is there nothing left to see there? President Obama canceled a plan to return to the moon for a more ambitious plan to go to Mars. Except we can't get there from here with current technology, we have to find a pit stop in between. I suspect without the momentum of other productive manned space flights, the funding won't last to get to Mars. Or anywhere else. We can do so much with unmanned rockets now, why take the risk of sending humans?

Because humans are what make up the space program. Human space travel is what captures the imagination of people. It's not "safe." It's exotic. And incredible. And inspiring. Of all the "not safe" things our country asks it's people to do, space travel is the one with the most positive reward!

I hope Kaycie sees a new and better space program during her lifetime, but so much depends on a political climate that changes with every Congressional election. I suspect the loss of momentum from the shuttle program ending will be the death knell for future manned flights. But I hope I'm wrong.

Godspeed, Atlantis. I pray you come home safely and to a hero's welcome.

Mash Up - Holiday Weekend

Sorry for the lack of noise, folks, but I was out of town and without particularly good interwebs over the weekend. I did, however, have an abundance of family and barbeque, which more than made up for it! We even got to spend some time with my brother and his girlfriend, which is a rare treat.

Today I am officially 3 months and 1 day preggers. If I'm not mistaken, that means I'm solidly into my second trimester. I'm waiting not so patiently for that second trimester energy boost. I was hoping it would kick in yesterday, but no. So far, not today either. I'm not exactly holding my breath for this afternoon (or this week, or this month) but a girl can dream, right?

Speaking of MicroTot, we have a date for our big "advanced maternal age" anatomy scan (i.e. gender discovery). August 16 we will hopefully be able to start using gender specific pronouns. This one isn't going to be like the last one. Last time we had a slightly more detailed ultrasound in Dr. T's office to which we invited both grandmothers and lasted about 10-15 minutes. This time we'll be seeing the high risk doc, Dr. Perry, for approximately an hour, get some genetic disorder counseling before the pictures, and if they see anything alarming we'll have to have more counseling after. I'm not anticipating anything alarming, I'm just saying we'll be there a while. As Kaycie is a little freaked out by the ultrasound room, we've already made arrangements for my mom to come visit that day and hang at home with her while we go get the news. We have one more visit with Dr. T before then, at the end of July, but it should be routine. Unless they throw in another surprise ultrasound like they did last time. Apparently on the first u/s they saw a cyst of some sort and needed to take another look, but it was fine.

I'm pretty sure my little mischief maker has crawled up into her rocker and is reading herself books, based on the rhythmic thumping sound coming from her room. I adore my kid, by the way. She had an awesome time with all her family this weekend. Sunday my mom took her to church by herself, since I was feeling kinda yucky and didn't think I was up to going. Apparently Kaycie didn't sit with Mom during church. She sat in the pew behind Mom with another family who thinks she's the bee's knees and played quietly with their (somewhat older) kids the whole time. She's just the best thing ever.

It's 10:30am. I guess I should go put pants on.

My new couch that arrived with a rip in the cushion is still here. Furniture people should be picking it up tomorrow. Maybe. That was the last I heard when I talked to them last week, but I haven't heard back from them with an actual time. I may be calling them again this afternoon. They've been very nice, if not exactly on the ball, about the whole thing. But I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I'm trying to keep this one clean until they come get it, and I have a toddler and a pup...