Thinking

This has been one of those weeks when it's hard to blog because it's hard to think.

I had to go off my ADD meds when we decided to try to get pregnant. That was nearly three years ago. The plan was to go back on it after Kaycie was born but I never did. I felt like I was handling things OK without it and between the side effects and the expense it just didn't seem worth it. Good thing, because I don't know how I'd manage the required 3 month checkup appointments with a toddler in tow.

Some days are fine. Some days I get a ton of stuff done, everything turns out right, and at the end of the day I'm a happy camper. And some days, like much of this week, I can't figure out what I'm doing. I wake up confused and end the day confused. Right now Kaycie is down for an early nap because she fell asleep on the way home from our lunch with Greg. There are at least a dozen things I should be doing right now, but I can't really put my head around any of them. I know I need to vacuum while she's asleep, but the task of clearing everything out of the floor seems monumental. I have something new to cook for dinner tonight and I should probably review the recipe and go ahead and make the sauce. But I just can't get started. I tried to read through the recipe and by the time I got to the end I had forgotten where I was supposed to start.

I'm having a hard time getting a picture taken every day. I look at my camera and try so hard to think of a good idea and... nothing. I feel immobile. I took pictures of my roses today, just in case I couldn't come up with anything creative. Flowers are my fall-back. I don't know what I'll do when it turns cold again!

I have trouble holding up my end of conversations, partially because I have trouble hearing and comprehending what's being said and in part because it takes effort to think up the appropriate response. It's not automatic. Or even fast. Writing isn't easy either. This is the third edit on this post, and I have one in draft that probably won't ever get published because I'm pretty sure it makes no sense at all.

I'm really worried about my BFF who is very sick right now. She's in a lot of pain and going through a very difficult emotional time, but I can't figure out what I can do to help. I just can't come up with a real plan. I can't even seem to get a get well card for her (in large part because I haven't had my van the past two days!). I check in on her every day but I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I just don't know where to go next. I had an idea on a way to do something nice for another friend yesterday, but the execution just seems more complex than I can handle this week.

I'm not even kidding when I tell you that I have prayed over and over - even before she was born - that Kaycie wouldn't end up with this. Sometimes I see things in her now and I wonder if it's "toddler" or if it's my brain showing through. Please, Lord, she's going to have a hard enough time without having to deal with this too.

I'm going to go start dinner. If I ruin it, we'll go out for BBQ. So there.