Wednesday, April 13, 2011


This has been one of those weeks when it's hard to blog because it's hard to think.

I had to go off my ADD meds when we decided to try to get pregnant. That was nearly three years ago. The plan was to go back on it after Kaycie was born but I never did. I felt like I was handling things OK without it and between the side effects and the expense it just didn't seem worth it. Good thing, because I don't know how I'd manage the required 3 month checkup appointments with a toddler in tow.

Some days are fine. Some days I get a ton of stuff done, everything turns out right, and at the end of the day I'm a happy camper. And some days, like much of this week, I can't figure out what I'm doing. I wake up confused and end the day confused. Right now Kaycie is down for an early nap because she fell asleep on the way home from our lunch with Greg. There are at least a dozen things I should be doing right now, but I can't really put my head around any of them. I know I need to vacuum while she's asleep, but the task of clearing everything out of the floor seems monumental. I have something new to cook for dinner tonight and I should probably review the recipe and go ahead and make the sauce. But I just can't get started. I tried to read through the recipe and by the time I got to the end I had forgotten where I was supposed to start.

I'm having a hard time getting a picture taken every day. I look at my camera and try so hard to think of a good idea and... nothing. I feel immobile. I took pictures of my roses today, just in case I couldn't come up with anything creative. Flowers are my fall-back. I don't know what I'll do when it turns cold again!

I have trouble holding up my end of conversations, partially because I have trouble hearing and comprehending what's being said and in part because it takes effort to think up the appropriate response. It's not automatic. Or even fast. Writing isn't easy either. This is the third edit on this post, and I have one in draft that probably won't ever get published because I'm pretty sure it makes no sense at all.

I'm really worried about my BFF who is very sick right now. She's in a lot of pain and going through a very difficult emotional time, but I can't figure out what I can do to help. I just can't come up with a real plan. I can't even seem to get a get well card for her (in large part because I haven't had my van the past two days!). I check in on her every day but I don't feel like I'm doing enough. I just don't know where to go next. I had an idea on a way to do something nice for another friend yesterday, but the execution just seems more complex than I can handle this week.

I'm not even kidding when I tell you that I have prayed over and over - even before she was born - that Kaycie wouldn't end up with this. Sometimes I see things in her now and I wonder if it's "toddler" or if it's my brain showing through. Please, Lord, she's going to have a hard enough time without having to deal with this too.

I'm going to go start dinner. If I ruin it, we'll go out for BBQ. So there.


Allison said...

Do you think an antidepressant would help? I am totally ignorant when it comes to ADHD so that may have been a totally stupid suggestion but I know that one of my major issues, in addition to fatigue, has been lack of focus and forgetfulness and both antidepressants I've taken have helped with that tremendously. And my meds have been very affordable.

Do NOT neglect yourself. Maybe it is an extra expense, but you can't put a price tag on your sanity. You know as well as I do that mamas don't get much downtime. We gotta do what we gotta do to be our best. Even if it isn't ideal.

And girl, you are a great friend. Just calling your BFF has probably meant more to her than anything else you could do. Go easy on yourself. And let's get together again soon!

Susan said...

Not an ignorant question at all, you're actually on target. The two are often linked. I was on anti depressants many years ago, long before I was ever diagnosed ADD. Too often (especially in women) The feeling of failure that stems from not understanding why we can't function leads to depression, which is diagnosed and treated without ever discovering the underlying ADD. I would never have been diagnosed if a friend who also has it hadn't talked to me about it and suggested a doc. Having been through the depression and having seen my mom suffer most of her life with it (which I also think is ADD related) I can say now that I don't think it's a big problem for me. I get down sometimes, but I haven't been genuinely depressed in many years. Not "need meds" depressed. Learning about my ADD has helped as much as the meds did, to be honest. Knowing what's going on is half the battle for me! I can live with my own bizarre behavior and thought process as long as I know it's not just because I'm stupid, there's a reason for it and I can make the effort to cope on bad days and work through it on good days. The side effects of the meds were so bad that I don't know if I ever want to go back on them, but I suspect when I get back in the workforce it will be a necessity.

And for the record, dinner was AWESOME. Score one for me and the sausage pasta! I will persevere!

Greg said...

You are doing great honey!

I love you!!!!

Allison said...

Well good, I'm glad I didn't sound like a total moron. You must share this yummy sounding recipe!