Presidential Press Conference

During lunch today Greg and I continued the conversation regarding the removal of excess junk from our house, which I mentioned in a post earlier this week. Meanwhile, I noticed on one of the televisions that President Bush was holding a press conference. I was sitting pretty far away, so I could see him but couldn't read any of the closed captioning or other information on the screen. His lips were moving but all I heard was mine and Greg's conversation. Based on that perspective, this is what I picked up from the press conference:

"My fellow Americans, today our country faces an issue that threatens our very existence. The excessive accumulation of crap in American households has left many families with no room to walk, much less dance wildly around house with reckless abandon. Do you even know what is in the pile of boxes stacked in your spare closet? When was the last time you fit in the clothes in the back of that closet? Are there really monsters under that bed, or are you really afraid of all the stuff you pushed under there so that you wouldn't have to pick it up to vacuum? Soon, it won’t just be the homeless living in cardboard boxes, but those with homes that are so full of useless junk that they cannot open their own front doors. We can no longer ignore the implications of this pending disaster, and must takes steps today to put and end to the increase, as well as reduce the current buildup, of crap in homes.

We are prepared to introduce an emergency pilot program this week which will provide a new and exciting opportunity to Americans with excessive crappage; An opportunity to begin pulling themselves up the mountain of unidentifiable stuff that has overtaken their world while supporting our political effort in other parts of the world. As we speak I have ordered 5 transport trucks to a home in Clinton, Mississippi to begin the initial phase of cleanup in one home. The crappage removed from this home will be transported by cargo ship to other countries as an alternative to economic sanctions. It is our belief that the citizens of these countries will become so distracted by the opportunity to collect useless trinkets and old worn out, ill fitting clothes that they will forget that they are supposed to be the bad guys, and will begin a lifelong fascination with things they don’t need. From this we can create an entirely new export system, exporting billions of dollars of used crap each year to unsuspecting countries who will then barter for peace, for fear of being cut off from their abundant supply of stuff…"